As a husband, you anticipate that your relationship will have its struggles and trials. But the last thing you expect is your wife wanting a divorce. It can be very hurtful to think that your wife does not want to be with you anymore. It pains you even more that she does not care about repairing the relationship.
Marriage is all about not giving up. You have to be sturdy and stand up for each other. Keep the faith. If your love for each other is strong enough, you will realize how important you are for each other. You will both return to the boundaries of your marriage and figure out some ways to restore your relationship.
Here are simple yet difficult steps to get her back when your wife wants a divorce.
Accept Your Faults.
The first step into reconciliation is recognizing that you had a hand in what your marriage had become. According to the book Resolving Everyday Conflict by Ken Sande, most conflicts are caused by self-centeredness.
These are the things that we often say when we have conflicts with our spouse. “I was hurt. I should have won. The relationship ended because of him. I did nothing wrong.”
But you have to accept the fact that you did something that caused her to want to have a divorce. You have to look at the underlying reasons of why she wants to leave you.
How will you do it? By contemplating all the arguments and fights that you had throughout your marriage. In one article posted on Business Insider, it is said that some of the common reasons why people get divorced are infidelity, heavy drinking, drugs, lack of commitment, and too much arguing.
Once you determine one or more causes of hurting your wife and making her want to go out of your relationship, you need to man up and take responsibility for the things that you did.
Apologize for the Things You Did.
Your wife will not want to want to get out of marriage unless you have done something really bad. Or it may be an accumulation of the things that you do that caused her to want to move out.
After you accept your faults in the relationship and recognize the mistakes that you personally caused, you have to apologize to her for those things.
Yes, it is hard. It is very hard. But if you do not want her to go, you will do everything you can to bring her closer to you. Why is it so difficult to say sorry?
We are all generally selfish and proud. We do not want to take the blame because of our pride. We want to protect our own image and self-worth. But it can also ruin relationships.
You have to accept that you have wronged her in some way and say sorry. This is the only way to make her defenses go down and open up the conversation once again.
Control Your Temper and Your Anger.
When arguments arise, it is often hard to control your anger. It is because you are being provoked for being incapable or lacking in a particular matter. The tendency in certain situations is to shout back or build up your anger in retaliation, even if it is to the one that you love.
Brazilian Paulo Coehlo gave a story of a master who addressed his disciples. The master asked his disciples, “Why do people shout at each other when they are angry?” And the answer is: When two people are mad, their hearts grow a long distance apart. To make up for the distance of their hearts, they need to shout.
Arguments and disagreements can only be resolved when two hearts come closer to each other. Shouting and fighting is not an option in marriage. It only gives the hearts more distance. You should treat conflicts in a way that does not pinpoint the person, but the fault or mistake itself. In this way, you can fix the problem without dismissing the whole being of your spouse.
Treat Your Wife as if You Just Started Dating Again.
You need to court your wife once again. Act as if you are starting all over again. You should bring her flowers and chocolates. And you must ask your wife if you can date her. Watch a movie together. Reserve two seats in her favorite restaurant.
Are you doing this just to shower her with gifts and enjoyment? Not really. You are doing these things to get closer to her again. Let her recognize the good times that you have together. Let her remember why she chose you to be her husband.
You can also sincerely talk to each other about what has gone wrong and try to fix it. You need to reopen the communication that had shut down when your wife said that she wanted a divorce.
Be Patient with Her.
You should be patient in this season of your lives. You wife wants to get out of your marriage. You do not. But even if you want to stay, you still have to be patient with her.
You cannot expect her to change her mind so easily. It was difficult enough for her to conclude that she wants a divorce. So, it is also hard to persuade her to get back together.
You need to do your best in convincing her to go back. Exert all possible efforts and do everything that is physically possible to get her back. Spend more time pursuing her and trying to communicate your thoughts about the matter. Never hesitate to do something if it will allow love to grow back in your relationship.
But you have to understand the fact that even if you have done all of these, it will still take time before she realizes that she wants to get back to you, that is, if she even wants to restore the marriage. All you can do is wait and hope that she does not file for a divorce.
Keep in Mind That Your Wife Will Only Stay if You are Agreeable to be with.
You have to prove that you can be reasoned with. Just as we established earlier, change is constant, but it does not happen instantly. In order to get back your wife, you need to show her that you are now a willing listener and a rational husband.
She needs to see someone that is able to open his mind to what she is saying to you. She wants to be with a person who is willing to repair problems and not disprove the words of one another. She will only stay if she sees a different person.
It will take time. But it has to start somewhere. And what better timing could you find than right now? You have to sustain this mindset and action during this season of your life and even after reconciliation.
Don’t Force Your Wife to Come Back to You.
You cannot force her to just instantly come running back into your arms and be happy with you. It does not work that way, especially in this situation where she wants a divorce. Most likely, she has thought about what will happen when she divorces you many times over.
She has established in her mind a new life without you. She has planned the things that she will do after she creates a separation between her and you. Before she said that she wanted a divorce, she had already created a world without you in it.
What are you going to do? You just do what you can to get her back. You cannot control her thinking, and you especially cannot manipulate her actions.
Love, after all, is building a mutual relationship with each other. It is not forced, nor is it something that you get her to do. If she wants to love you back, she has to decide for herself that she wants to enter the marriage once again and be with you.