When two people make the decision to get married, they have a nonverbal agreement to trust one another. Both individuals voluntarily want to build a union with the other, knowing fully that they should be completely honest with each other.
But what happens when your husband or wife breaks the trust? You do not believe the words of your spouse anymore. You cannot leave him or her alone on business or leisure trips. And even if you have done everything that you can to guard him or her, the trust still is not there.
Ways to Rebuild the Trust in Marriage
Common Causes of Trust Issues in Marriage
If you find yourself in this situation and have no idea what you have done to cause your spouse to lose trust in you, you may have done one or more of these:
Gambling and other money-related problems
This is a common trust issue related to money. If gambling has turned into an addiction, you may be spending the family funds without even knowing it. If your current bills and expenses are not paid on time due to your gambling, the your spouse’s trust in you may be lost.
Infidelity or flirting
If you had an affair with another man or woman, it is very difficult to restore the trust. You have promised to love no other person except your spouse.
Being too secretive
If you do not share your personal belongings with your spouse, he or she may think that you are hiding something. If you always bring your phone with you even while you are inside the house, it can be an alarm for your partner to question their trust in you.
Not sharing personal information about yourself
You cannot share everything about your past all in one sitting. But if a part of your life is not mentioned to your spouse, and the truth suddenly comes out, he or she may lose trust in you. An ex-husband or ex-wife, a child from a past relationship, or a medical condition are details that, if not shared, may cause trust issues.
If you are one who always make promises and then break them afterward, you are causing your spouse not to trust your words anymore.
How Can You Rebuild the Trust?
Based on a paper called The Price of Distrust: Trust, Anxious Attachment, Jealousy, and Partner Abuse, trust is a critical part of relationships that keeps the couple’s connection healthy, their bond secured and their needs satisfied.
Trust is essential, and it must be rebuilt if you want to continue living happily in your marriage. But just as in any marriage issue, reconciliation lies both in the hands of the one who caused mistrust and the one who has trust issues with his or her spouse.
For the One Who Caused the Mistrust
The first step toward the restoration of the trust in your marriage is to say you’re sorry. It is your fault. No matter how you look at it, the trust was lost because of you. Be humble in your approach to rebuilding the trust. Say you’re sorry for what you did.
Express your regret over the matter
Your spouse can see whether you feel remorse about betraying his or her trust or you are just sorry that you got caught. If you love your spouse, you will show how sorry you are to him or her.
Expressing regret is shown through the pain that you are going through in your current circumstance. You feel empty. Your heart aches. You cannot focus on anything other than resolving your conflict with your spouse.
Take responsibility for your actions
If you hid relevant information about yourself to your spouse, and he/she found out eventually, you should take responsibility and admit that you made a mistake. It was your decision to break your partner’s trust, and the road to reconciliation will start with you.
Make things right
The next thing that you should do is make things right with your spouse. You have already admitted to your mistake. You have taken responsibility for your past actions. Now, you are willing to do everything that you can to bring the relationship back to where it was before.
How can you do this? It depends on the kind of trust that you have broken. As stated above, your actions can cause your spouse to lose trust in you.
If the issue at hand is about money-related concerns like gambling or spending too much on luxuries, you must be transparent with all your bills, credit cards, and payments. You should not be secretive in your shopping. For those with addictions to betting and wagering, you must call or text your spouse about your whereabouts to avoid wasting money on gambling.
If you had extramarital affairs, it is right to surrender your passwords and accounts to her. You should earn his or her trust once again. It is not a matter of privacy anymore. As long as you are willing to give him/her access to all possible routes of cheating, you are being accountable to your spouse.
For those who did not share past information that is critical to the maturity of your relationship, like details about exes or children out of wedlock, you must divulge all information to your spouse. You can do this by listing all the possible things that you have hidden from her before. It will make your spouse more irritated with you at first, but at least you will be more open to each other after all the truth has come out.
If you always break promises, then stop vowing or making guarantees. Do what you can to build the relationship so that your spouse does not put huge expectations on you.
Ask for forgiveness
Saying you’re sorry for your actions is different from asking for forgiveness. When you apologize, you are admitting that you made a mistake. It only depends on you. But when you ask for forgiveness, it depends on whether your spouse will give the forgiveness or not.
Do not force your partner to give you forgiveness. It is his or her choice alone. If he or she or is ready mentally and emotionally, it will be given to you.
For the One with Trust Issues
Choose love and let go of the past
If your spouse lied to you and broke your trust, you have nothing else to do but to accept the fact that it happened. Choose love over hate. Make the decision to love your spouse despite what occurred.
Decide to forgive
After acceptance, your next step would be to forgive your spouse. He or she made a mistake. And it is up to you to forgive him or her. Trust is difficult to restore, but if you choose to forgive your spouse, it paves the way for a better and faster reconciliation.
Provide a safe space for your spouse
Your spouse has already made a mistake. If he or she wants to make things right, then give your spouse some space to do so. The process will be very difficult throughout the healing period, because you are the one that was hurt. But giving him/her a way to make things right will make the restoration faster.
If you want your spouse to rebuild the trust, you must also make sure that the trust that he or she has in you did not fall away. If your partner trusts you, he or she will be more open to fixing the relationship.
Alter the way you communicate with each other
Most of the time, it is the way you communicate to each other that make things unclear or complicated. If trust is violated because of miscommunication, then it should be the first thing that you repair.
How will you do this? Since you are, in a way, starting over again, you must be clear in what you need in your relationship. You can make a list of the dos and don’ts if it will make your relationship better. And be sure to ask each other if everything is being understood.
Be ready to fix yourself too
It may not be you who caused the mistrust, but you should still assess whether you did something wrong that caused a negative effect on your marriage. Conflicts usually arise because of two people. Even if the prominent cause is your spouse, there are times when some of your actions may have pressed him or her to do the things that he or she did.
Whether you are the one who caused the mistrust or the person who have trust issues, you can initiate the healing process by stepping up, losing your pride, and fixing the marriage. Restoring the trust is difficult enough. Keeping your spouse away will only make the reconciliation harder.
Rebuilding the trust is a decision that you have to make and stand firm with. Once you choose your marriage over any complication in your relationship, your heart will always lead you to love and resolution.