In my seven years of being married, I’ve realized that there are just things I can never change. Things that I have no control over. Things that could hurt me without my permission.
Because I was madly in love, I was fragile. Defenseless. Vulnerable.
I let the only man I love hurt me to the core for one reason: I can’t lose him. I was so afraid to wake in the morning without him. Him leaving our door is a nightmare I would never want to dream of.
But things got harder every single day. He kept yelling at me. He kept skipping our monthly date nights. He even spent more time on his mobile phone than with me.
Well, I did try to talk to him about these things that hurt me. But nothing was ever resolved because he just didn’t care, maybe?
I realized then that my husband doesn’t respect me. And here are the signs that convinced me I was right.
He doesn’t Listen to me.
My husband doesn’t listen to me. How do I know it?
He pays no attention to the words I say. He doesn’t respond to my questions.
He doesn’t give feedback to my thoughts. He also interrupts me when I’m speaking.
At first, I thought we were fine. Perhaps he was just too tired after a hard day’s work.
But as the days passed on, it became a routine. I try to startup a conversation and I got no reaction from him. This is the part where our communication had a breakdown.
Listening is an integral part of effective communication. It’s actually not necessary for him to give approval to everything I say. He just needed to at least grant me some kind of reaction or response.
However, no matter what I did, no matter what I said, I received nothing from him. I knew right then that my marriage was sinking into deep trouble.
Trust is said to be the number one predictor of marriage success. It’s one of the main ingredients to building a healthy and long-term relationship.
But trust these days seems so hard to find, as dishonesty appears to be an addicting pill. Well, I should know, because my husband lies to me.
Yes, I caught him lying to me many times and yes, I did confront him. I wanted to know why he had to lie to me over and over. However, there are just some questions that are never meant to be answered.
Right now, as I am writing this, I feel like a fool for making myself believe that lying was okay because those were simple things. Lying about being in the office when he was somewhere. Lying about taking a trip for work when he was actually with his friends.
I thought it was fine to let his lying pass because I was relieved that he came home safe from the trips. But it was too naive for me to think that way, don’t you think?
One Word: Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is described as a form of emotional abuse. It is when your husband uses his manipulating words to invalidate your thoughts and deflect the blame on you.
It is when he criticizes your beliefs in his favor. It is when he uses destructive and convincing statements to make you feel crazy. But no, you’re not insane.
I was a victim of gaslighting long before a friend of mine made me figure out what was really going on in my marriage. Now that I know that gaslighting is a common manipulating technique among abusive husbands, I want you to become aware of it too. I hope no more women fall prey to gaslighting.
He is Unkind.
In marriage, it is important to always try a little kindness even if you know the situation’s pretty tough. It is considered an important predictor of marriage satisfaction and stability.
Kindness is what keeps couples glued together. It fosters peace and love between the husband and the wife.
But the sad part is, my husband has been unkind to me. I can’t even remember the last time he treated me a little kindly.
He lashes out even at the smallest things. And worse, he uses threatening language that makes me feel so little. Sometimes, I wonder why he could be kind to others and not to me?
He is Never Proud of me.
A report from Famifi said that it is important for us to grant our full attention to our spouses when they are in the spotlight. They need our encouragement, support, applause, and approval for their achievements. How sweet it is to hear your partner say, “I’m proud of you,” right?
I wish my husband knew this. But he doesn’t. He is never proud of me.
My husband doesn’t appreciate what I do for a living. He’d rather have me stay home than explore the world to achieve my dreams.
I don’t hear him talk about me in front of his friends. All I hear is him boasting about himself. I’m kind of thinking he’s a narcissist.
He Disrespects My Family.
If there’s one thing that made me realize absolutely that my husband doesn’t respect me, it is his disrespect for my family. He doesn’t want to get along with them and the worst part is that he talks shit about them.
He hates it when my parents come unannounced. And during family gatherings, he would rather stay inside our room and engage with his PlayStation.
I’ve always dreamed of the day when he and my family finally get along, but I guess that wouldn’t happen anymore. His disrespect for my family is a red flag. If he cannot be kind to my family, obviously there’s no love left in him for me. Do you agree?
He doesn’t Compromise.
Men and women are not created the same, which is why compromises are necessary in marriage.
We all hail from different cultures, different races. We all have lived different lives before we walked down the aisle. Naturally, there will be changes in our married lives that we need to adjust to.
However, we cannot expect that it will be easy to slide into these changes. Sometimes, sacrifices must be made and most of the time, we have to compromise. But problems arise when couples refuse to do so.
In my marriage, I can count on one hand the times my husband had willingly compromised. It is probably one of the chief reasons why my marriage is failing.
As reported by Cheatsheet.com, if one of the couples isn’t willing to compromise, then they are heading to some long-term problems in marriage. It’s a sad truth, but this is actually what’s happening in mine currently.
He Compares me with Other Women.
What could be more gut-wrenching for a wife than being compared with other women? Where’s the respect in there?
For the long years I have spent with my husband, I have been silently praying and hoping for him to finally treat me as his wife. I vowed to love him and support him and understand him through thick and thin.
But him belittling me, making me feel bad about myself because other women are doing better than me? That’s something I think I cannot forgive.
Comparison is toxic to any kind of relationship. Other people’s success or beauty should not be a standard for our own.
That is why when my husband made it a habit to compare me with his lady friends and colleagues, I knew that we needed help. I realized this is not normal anymore. So, I told him we have to set up an appointment with a marriage counselor.
Fortunately, he agreed. It was the best decision we could have made for our marriage that’s on the verge of divorce.
This story I shared with you is a one-sided view of a woman in a struggling marriage. It’s about how I feel about what my husband does to me every day, and my perception of how my husband has treated me after we got married.
But this is not the whole of our story.
After our marriage counseling sessions, we both learned a lot about each other. We realized why these unpretty things are happening between us.
Although there are so many troubles in our relationship that need ironing out, I am grateful that we are in this together.
We are both striving hard to fix our marriage, forgive, and start anew. So if you are in the same situation like I was before, then maybe it’s time you consider counseling. There’s no harm in trying.