We get to the point where we meet the love of our lives and promise to care for them and to nurture the relationship. But how can someone lie to the person he or she loves? How can you stop all the lying in marriage? How do you restore the connection you once had?
Reasons for Lying
According to researcher Tim Levine, people give many reasons for why they lie. These motives include personal transgressions, avoidance, economic advantage, personal advantage, self-impression, humor, altruistic, social or polite, malicious intent, and pathological drives.
The biggest culprit here is personal transgression or to cover up a mistake or deed. It covers 22% of the total tally. I find it easy to believe that we often lie because we want to protect ourselves. We look out for our own benefits and think less of the importance of sharing the truth to our spouse.
Lying in Marriage
Different reasons may prompt a spouse to lie—but the end product is still the same. You did not trust your spouse enough to tell him or her the truth. You continue to deny your spouse the whole truth because you think that he or she does not deserve it.
To better understand the types of lies that our spouses can tell, here are the 7 ways of telling a lie according to an article from Vanguard news:
These are the lies that are not considered serious. We often see this as a necessary lie to protect other people. An example of a white lie is someone complimenting another for his or her look while thinking otherwise. We sometimes tell a white lie to make others feel good.
This is a type of lie that everyone knows is false but we still stand by it. An example of this would be believing in Santa Claus when we all know that it is just fiction.
Lies with exaggeration
We rely on this lie if we want to boost our image or self-esteem. Often times, when we are in front of people, we add non-truths to our stories to make ourselves look better in the eyes of others.
This lie has the intention to deceive people. We intentionally tell this lie if we want others to move in another direction or do something else. These are what some call half-truths. Deceptive lies are denying another person all the facts or giving a false impression of the truth.
This lie is told because the one speaking it wants attention. Even if telling the truth is easier, people use this lie to call all attention to them. You may want to grab the attention of other people by telling stories about somebody else, regardless of whether it is truthful or not.
Compulsive lies can be a form of addiction for some who have consistently used this type of lie.
Gossipers are often guilty of this type of lie. Some even pass them as news in gossip blogs and tabloids. These stories are published even if the truth is not yet determined. The danger with this type of lie is that it can ruin reputations and even careers.
Lies that are duplicitous
The people who use this lie are ones who hide their true emotions. Instead of telling the truth straight up, they will tell you something else. Those that break promises or commitments tell duplicitous lies.
Whatever type of lie your spouse is telling, it is still a lie. Marriage is about being open to one another no matter how harsh the truth can be. Honesty is an essential attribute for marriage. It is not a preferred characteristic where you can choose to be honest or not depending on the situation. If you want to have a long-lasting marriage, you should be honest with your husband or wife.
If you have a habit of lying to your spouse, or if your loved one tells lies in your marriage, it has to be stopped right now.
Here Are Practical Tips on How to Stop All the Lying in Marriage:
1.Be accountable to yourself
You have to take responsibility for you what you do and what you say. One of the reasons why we lie in marriage is to protect ourselves. If the reason is to protect something we own, it may be easier to tell the truth. But if being honest opens the possibility of hurting your spouse, it can be more difficult.
Look at it this way: do you want to go on with your life as a married couple knowing all too well that you are living a lie? If you had an affair with another person, or have done something that will hurt your relationship, it is better to tell him or her right now. You have to be accountable for the things that you do. The more and more lies you concoct, the heavier will be the blow to your relationship.
2.Be accountable to one another
If you truly want to help each other out, you have to be accountable to one another. If one is a compulsive liar, you must exert more effort to remove the addiction from your spouse. According to this article from Betterhelp, compulsive lying is done by people to make themselves look better, to control someone else, to cover up bad behavior, or to perform a habit.
If you are the one who is a compulsive liar, then the first thing you must do is accept that you are one. By realizing this truth, you can seek a solution to this problem. Your spouse will be a great support system to help you with your problem. He or she can constantly assure you that you don’t have to lie. Your identity is not based on how others look at you, but what you see in yourself.
Bad habits can be stopped if you replace them with another habit. Turn your lies into productive words and stay away from constantly telling fabricating lies or duplicitous lies.
3.Just tell the truth
You can look at it in any way, but ultimately, telling the truth is easier. A lie can only be covered up by another lie. The number of lies will continue to pile up until your heart is burdened with all of these lies. If you want to truly be set free, you have to tell the truth.
The key to telling the truth is just to blurt it outright. If you are the one constantly lying in your marriage, you need to practice a way of speaking. Don’t let your mind establish a lie from the truth that you learned. It is all about not overthinking the words.
4.Protect your spouse
Not telling the truth to your spouse can and will hurt him or her. If your goal is to shield them through deception and covering the truth with lies, you are only building up the hurts that will be pushed onto them in the end. The lies may not offend them right now, but eventually, the truth will come out and they will see and hear that you have been lying all along.
Instead of lying, you can tell the truth in the most positive way possible. But you have to keep in mind that you should not sugarcoat it. Sometimes, the truth can be told in a nice way. Choose your words correctly and tell the truth.
5.Do not omit anything
Do you know that omitting part of the truth is also lying? In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson’s character told Diane Keaton that he told her some version of the truth. But then, Keaton’s character said that the truth does not have versions.
We can see here that there is only one truth. There are no alternate versions. If you want to be completely honest with your husband or wife, you should not omit anything.
Married life is not easy. Sometimes, you do things that can hurt your spouse. On other times, you are the one hurt by the actions of your husband or wife.
A relationship is built on trust. The foundation of your marriage relies on your communication with one another. Do not hold back on any detail or information. Your spouse deserves the whole truth, not portions of it and not revamped versions. Are you looking for the right time to tell the truth to him or her? The time to start is right now.