I know that you still love your spouse. It is tough to be in a loveless marriage.A lot of thoughts are going through your head, and you feel that you are not thriving in your relationship.
The concept of lovelessness has a broad meaning. But just to be clear, you feel unloved when you are not receiving the current need that you want. Clayton Paul Alderfer, a known American psychologist, defined the three needs that people aim for: existence needs, relatedness needs, and growth needs. If these are not met, we feel empty in a marriage.
Since you are willing to battle it out and survive a loveless marriage, you can apply these tips to not just exist in your marriage, but flourish in it.
How to Survive a Loveless Marriage
1.My spouse does not give me any attention.
I have long feared the day when my husband will be too busy at work and not give me the attention that I need. He spends so much time in the office, and I cannot even talk to him about this issue in our marriage. I am also afraid that he might get angry with me because he told me before that he is doing this for our family and we both agreed that this is okay for us.
To survive—You can give attention to your husband in order to gain attention yourself. Start by texting him when he is at work. Tell him that you miss him and you long to spend more time with him. You can send him sweet texts and messages instead of demands to show that you care for your husband.
2.My spouse does not give me enough quality time.
I am not asking much from my wife. I just want her to sit with me and be by my side when I get home. I know that she has had a long day of taking care of the kids, but all I ask of her is just to give me some quality time.
To survive—Have a change of mindset first. You must not think of it as not giving enough time, but rather as a challenge in scheduling tasks and accomplishing activities for each day. If she does not have time for you, you can help her in planning her day. You can suggest a more convenient schedule for both of you.
This does not mean that she is the only one that needs to change her list of tasks. You also have to adapt your schedule to hers. In order to have time for each other, all it takes is to make her day’s timetable fit with yours.
Another way that you can create quality time for each other is by helping her with some of the tasks for the day. You can pick up the kids from school on specific days to alleviate her list of things to do. She will also have more energy to give more time to you and fulfill your need for quality time.
3.My spouse does not talk to me anymore.
We do not talk to each other anymore. I mean, we talk if we want to discuss what food to eat or what to buy for the house. But we do not talk like we used to. We don’t spend time looking into each other’s eyes and conversing about our future, our feelings for each other, and our individuality.
To survive—If you have a husband that does not seem to want to talk to you, it may be because he got used to the norm of going through the daily chores and has forgotten to intimately communicate his thoughts to yours.
Most men assume that everything is okay. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. He just thinks that since you are not saying anything, you are all good. We cannot treat husbands as psychics.If you want your husband to know that there is a problem, you should tell him that there is one.
Talk to him honestly about how you feel. Tell him that he does not really talk to you anymore. And if your husband asks you what he can do, then you can suggest ideas of the things that he can change from his usual routine or add to make time for your conversations.
If you have a wife that does not want to intimately talk to you, then there is a deeper problem than you think. The only way to solve this is by sitting her down and asking her what is wrong. Tell her that you noticed that she has been silent for a while and she doesn’t seem like the wife you knew before.
If she still does not talk, you can be the one who opens up first. By being vulnerable with her, you will encourage her to let her guard down, and she may offer information about her feelings and emotions.
4.My spouse does not give adequate provisions for the family.
My husband is the only one working for the family. But it seems that the money he earns is not sufficient to sustain us. I sometimes think that he does not love us enough to exert his best effort.
To survive—You can start by changing your mindset first. Don’t doubt your husband’s love for you. And do not question his capability to earn. He already knows that he is not providing enough. You do not have to blatantly point this problem out to his face. Instead, you can appreciate his work and praise all his efforts. Give him the respect that he longs for.
You can also give him suggestions on how the family can earn more. You can ask him if you can work for additional income. If you can start a business, ask his permission to do so. By giving him the authority over these decisions, you are still respecting him as the head of the family. He can also think rationally and not feel attacked or doubted.
5.My spouse had an extramarital affair.
I hate my wife for cheating on me. I thought that she loved me so much, and I never thought that she would do something like this to me. I spent so much time and effort at work to give her all she needs. Now, our marriage has fallen apart.
To survive—This is one of the most difficult situations to be in. Your spouse got attracted to another person. Think of it this way: no one says to herself, “I am planning to cheat on my husband today.” It happens because of particular circumstances that we allow.
Although men and women get attracted in different ways, the steps to extramarital affairs are the same. The needs of the person are not met. He looks for someone, either consciously or unconsciously, who can fill the void that his spouse is not providing. Because the needs are being filled, he gets attached to this person. Eventually, if he and the other person allow a deeper connection to occur, cheating happens.
The easy way out is to just get a divorce. But if you love your spouse, you can still stick to the relationship. Affairs often die a natural death when the other needs of the person are not being filled. He or she will eventually come back to you.
The hate and the hurt will still be there. But you should control your anger and ask your spouse if he wants to build your marriage once again. If he does, then start working on your bond and fix your relationship with the goal of restoring the connection and the trust.
6.My spouse does not want to support my personal growth.
I do not understand why my husband keeps holding me back when it comes to my career. I love my job, and I’ve been offered a promotion a few times. It would entail long hours in the office and possible business trips. But I promised him that I will still be spending my time with him during weekends. All he cares about is himself, and he does not think about my personal growth.
To survive—Tell him about your need to grow in your career. Be honest about what you feel. Marriage is about cultivating not only your relationship, but also your individual lives. Husbands and wives should help each other and not pull each other back.
But you should still reach an agreement. Most probably, if he allows you to pursue your career, he will demand conditions from you. Sort things out and reach an agreement to satisfy both you and your husband. And don’t forget to tell him that you love him.
You cannot change your spouse. You can give suggestions, requests and even demands, but it will still be his decision to do a 180-degree turn and transform his ways. The good thing is that you have control over your own life, your actions, and your thoughts.
By pursuing those that will give you joy in your marriage and altering your mindset over your relationship, you can start surviving and thriving in your marriage.