How many times have you heard yourself saying that you hate your wife? You may have talked about this with your best friend or a family member. But I would bet that you have never said these actual words to your wife.
But the fact is, you really do hate her. The more you realize your current situation, the more easily you will be able to figure things out for yourself. Hating your wife will only have two results—either holding onto the marriage or letting go of it. You can determine whether your hatred is truly a sign that you have to stay or leave the marriage.
It is a hard choice to leave the marriage, but it can be an even harder decision to stay in the marriage despite the hate and the anger that you feel toward your wife. But staying in the marriage allows both of you to work things out and figure the right thing to do.
- What to Do When You Hate Your Wife?
- When to Stay in the Marriage?
- When to Leave the Marriage?
What to Do When You Hate Your Wife?
Open Up Communication
The most critical thing you can do is initiate an open and honest dialogue with your wife. Tell her about your feelings and also allow her to share her views without interruption or judgment.
- Set aside an uninterrupted chunk of time where you can have a calm discussion without distractions. Turn off the TV, put away your phones, and give each other your undivided attention.
- Instead of saying ‘You never do this,’ say ‘I feel upset when this doesn’t happen.’ This avoids blame and assumptions. For example, say “I feel underappreciated when you don’t thank me for making dinner” rather than “You never appreciate anything I do around here.”
- Actively listen by repeating back her points and allowing her to correct any misunderstandings. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
- Give specific instances that led to your resentment. For example, recount the first time she criticized your parenting style and how it made you feel. Details will help her contextualize your feelings.
- Ask your wife if there are things you both can do personally and jointly to begin rebuilding affection. An open dialogue is about finding solutions.
Clear and considerate communication will help you understand your partner’s view of your marital issues. This will help you determine if the relationship is truly irreconcilable or if there are changes you can make together to create a happier, healthier dynamic.
Reconnect Through Quality Time
When you start drifting apart, quality time together often becomes scarce. Try reconnecting with your wife by engaging in activities and interests you both enjoy.
- Set up a weekly date night for a few hours to focus solely on each other, away from kids and distractions.
- Discover new restaurants, museums, hiking trails, and other attractions in your city together. Experiencing and discovering new things together can bring back excitement.
- Organize a weekend trip or a short vacation, just the two of you, to fully focus on each other.
- Cook meals together, experiment with new recipes, and enjoy wine as you reconnect in the kitchen.
- Engage in hobbies and activities you both enjoy like bike rides, camping, sports, etc. Bond through these shared interests.
Quality time, creating positive experiences and memories, can rekindle your relationship and remind you why you chose to marry her.
Take Time for Honest Self-Reflection
Remember, it often takes two to end a marriage. Be sure to reflect honestly on your role. Consider if you contributed to the deterioration of your relationship.
- Own up to your role in the relationship’s problems instead of blaming others. How might you have changed over the years?
- If you struggle with a bad temper or poor communication, consider anger management or counseling.
- Seek help for mental health issues, such as depression, that affect your marriage.
- Make genuine efforts to become your best self by letting go of bad habits, developing better emotional regulation, and embracing personal growth.
Improving yourself by being accountable and self-aware is key to overcoming negative feelings and restoring love. You can only control your actions.
Fall Back in Love
Even if you’re struggling with negative feelings, falling back in love with your wife is possible. To rekindle the romance that once was:
- Fondly remember your happiest times together, like your wedding day and memorable vacations. Reconnect with these cherished memories.
- Re-read old love letters, holiday cards, or journals from when your relationship was strongest. Let the words rekindle nostalgia.
- Perform kind acts without expecting anything in return. Surprise her with flowers or her favorite treat after a long day.
- Compliment her appearance when she gets dressed up and reconnects through physical intimacy. Flirting helps.
- Recapture the playful and lighthearted spirit from your early relationship days. Banter, tease, and laugh together.
Focusing on what you love about your wife can help you appreciate her qualities anew, instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Seek Professional Marriage Counseling
If efforts to improve communication, spend quality time, work on yourself, and rekindle love don’t reduce hatred, consider seeing a licensed marriage counselor. The benefits of professional marriage counseling include:
- An objective third-party perspective from someone with no emotional investment.
- Counselors use research-backed techniques and tools to greatly improve communication. A counselor can identify gaps and give you strategies to bridge them.
- Counselors provide targeted strategies to increase intimacy and affection, tailored to your unique situation.
- Counseling offers a safe, neutral space for you and your wife to openly express vulnerabilities, fears, and emotions.
- Often decades of experience saving and strengthening marriages by guiding couples through challenges.
Compassionate guidance from a counselor can help you love your wife more and hate less, even if you feel hopeless. Do not be afraid to seek professional help.
When to Stay in the Marriage?
When You Still Love Her
This is the simplest reason why you should stay in the marriage despite hating her so much. Love always bridges the gap between people. If you still have love in your heart for your wife, then you still have a chance to make your marriage work.
These emotional feelings that you have do not disappear instantly. Fortunately for husbands and wives, this is the kind of love that you should hold onto in times when there are arguments or misunderstandings. You are still taking the opportunity to make circumstances work and to fix things up because you do not want to let each other go.
When She Still Listens to You
One of the reasons that can make you hate your wife is if she does not listen to you anymore. Pride often deafens your ears and make you feel superior over another person. Again, it all goes back to the loss of respect for the husband. Wives, no matter how hurt they are, should keep their ears open to hear the husband out.
But forcing her to listen will not do the marriage any good. It should be her own decision to listen to the husband in everything that he says. If you have a wife that gets angry but still hears you out, then you should stay in the marriage.
Sometimes, all it takes is to listen to what each has to say. You might get angry at some petty things and decide that you hate your wife. But if you stop for a while and listen, you might be surprised that the root of the problem is just miscommunication.
No marriage is perfect. But if you start every discussion by listening first to what the spouse has to say, then it will turn out to be a good marriage.
When She Chooses to Argue rather than Just Keep Quiet
Some husbands would rather have wives that do not talk much. They want wives that agree with everything that the husbands say. All is well and good with this setup as long as you are making the right decision every time.
But the truth is that people make mistakes. You will choose things that will have detrimental effects on you or your marriage. If the wife notices poor judgment on your part, it is better for the wife to nag you over it than to let you make a mistake.
Telling a man that he is wrong is such a huge pill to swallow. Most husbands would hate a wife that corrects them and straightens them out.
If you have the right perspective and you know that your wife loves you and only wants the best for you, then you should be glad that she chooses to discuss stuff with you rather than just shutting her mouth even if she knows that the results will be bad.
When She Admits that She Is Wrong
It is one thing to accept defeat in an argument, but it is another to realize that what you did was wrong and truly want to make up for everything that has happened. Some wives can be critical of their husbands in terms of what they can and cannot do. It can be true, but sometimes, wives can also be incorrect.
If the wife recognizes that she is wrong and you have blatantly shown her that she was indeed mistaken, it may take her whole being to admit that she is wrong. If you hate your wife because of some circumstances that either you or she caused, you should also look at her qualities at the end of each argument.
If she admits to the wrongs that she did, you should restore the relationship and stay in the marriage.
When She Still Cares for You Despite Your Incompatibilities
Situations may make you hate your wife. And there will also be events that will make your wife hate you even more. But if she still cares for you despite what is happening to you, you should stay in the marriage.
Caring for someone is not an ordinary thing, even in marriage. You should be grateful when you know that your wife still cares for you. Arguments can last for days. But the care that she has for you will last longer. It can sustain both of you to foster the reconciliation.
When to Leave the Marriage?
When You are not Having Sex Anymore
Sex is such an important aspect of marriage, especially for men. Husbands need to have sex in order to have a fulfilled marriage. Not getting sex is like withholding one of the essentials of their very being.
It is not uncommon knowledge that men need sex to survive. Unless he is undergoing some physical condition or illness, husbands have to have sex to keep their sanity in check.
You should not feel condemned or even sickened by what you are feeling. It is but normal to want sex because it is part of marriage. What is wrong is forcing your wife to do so if she does not feel it or if she is physically unable to do so.
You can open this issue with regard to sex with your wife. Give her the opportunity to explain herself for not allowing you to have access to her. If the real reason surfaces and she just does not want to have sex with you anymore, then it is time to leave the marriage.
When You Do not Talk Anymore
Not talking is not just an instant decision that you and your wife make. It is the result of a series of events that happened to both of you, which makes you see the husband or the wife as an irrelevant part of your life. You do not recognize him or her as an important person, and you fail to ask what he is up to or to tell him some good news about what happened to you.
Do you still remember the times when you were so excited to call your spouse because of a promotion that you had or a gift that you received? What happened between the two of you? Are you just not interested in each other? Did she just stop respecting you and not bother to inform you of what is happening in her life?
If you do not talk at all and you are hating her for it, then it is probably time to leave the marriage.
When You Are Purposely Avoiding Each Other
Picture this: you are at work and you are going out of your usual way just to avoid an officemate that you really hate. Now, if you are doing the same thing with your spouse, then you are purposely exerting extra effort just to not see her and talk to her.
This may be because of a variety of factors. But the mere fact that you hate each other’s guts so much that you want to take a long way just to avoid saying hello is a tell-tale sign that your only option is to leave the marriage.
When You Are Feeling Choked to Death
Do you know the feeling that every part of your life is being sucked out of you? You can tell that your relationship has become toxic if you are literally going through the motions of your everyday life with the hope that she leaves you or files for divorce.
The feeling of being sucked dry can be caused by a lot of things. It may be because she demands too much from you. She may want you to report every minute and every step that you take to her. It may be because you are not getting the privacy that you want for yourself.
If you are starting to lose your own life because of the marriage, then it is advisable for both of you to leave the marriage.
When You Stopped Arguing with Each Other
The first instance that you opted to not fight at all is actually the last straw. You feel that you there is no reason for both of you to argue. You do not care about your relationship and you care less about your spouse.
Instead of putting up a fight and insisting on getting your point across to your partner, you are actually shutting down the line of communication and not uttering a single word.
This means that you stopped wanting to fix the relationship. it does not matter whether an argument is resolved or not. You only care about yourself and what you feel. Two people in a marriage that do not want to be in it should be better off ending it.
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Mike is the Founder of Familylifeshare. Mike is well-knowledged in marriage, parenting, dogs, blogging and committed to sharing his knowledge and expertise with his readers. Know more about Mike from here.