“Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I’ve been married for years.” This joke about marriage really made me laugh out loud the first time I heard it. Because I, too, believe, that if you have already conquered married life, no war should terrify you anymore!
Well, this is just one of the endless number of jokes I have heard about married life. Some of them actually make me laugh so hard. They leave me feeling like somebody out there really gets me.
The people who started these jokes are so brilliant that they were able to curate the reality of married life in words of humor. So if you’re having a bad day or simply just want to bust out some serious laughs, check out these 50 husband wife jokes that will surely leave you laughing!
50 Husband Wife Jokes
1.I think as our marriage goes, I am doing absolutely awesome. I mean, I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
2.Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant,
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says,
“Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
“Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
3.What do you give a man who’s got everything?
She’ll tell him how everything works.
4.Wife: I got lost!
Husband: Where are you?
Wife: In the car.
5.During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said,
“You know, if something happened to my husband, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”
Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”
6.In a wedding…
Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
Mom: Because there’s a wedding going on.
Son: But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
Mom: Exactly, son.
7.Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
8.Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
9.Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
10.Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests:
“Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”
Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.”
“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”
“The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”
The wife grabs a copy and starts flipping pages at random:
“See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
11.A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says,
“Mommy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers,
“The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says,
“OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
12.A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous, and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he landed such a hot 23-year-old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him what he said.
“Well,” he replied. “I said I was 87!”
13.Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife:
“Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast.
“Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home drunk and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
14.Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
15.An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I use your toothbrush.”
16.At a medical check-up:
Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”
Man: “Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.”
17.A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things he used to do around the house. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
18.“Honey, do you think I gained weight?”
“No, I think the living room got smaller.”
19.A husband exclaims to his wife one day,
“Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife, who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
20.“Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?”
“A trip to Thailand?”
“Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?”
“I’ll pick you up from Thailand.”
21.Childhood is when you go to the toilet at night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
22.A man noticed his credit card has been stolen—but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
24.A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks,
“Do you share the same blood type?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
25.If I had to choose between a husband and shoes, I would choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
26.My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
27.I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
28.Husband and wife arguing:
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
29.My sister was telling her husband about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who had put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Her husband replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”
30.Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”
31.A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but he warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says,
“I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
32.Why are you incomplete until you get married?
Because after marriage, you’re finished.
33.Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
34.A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says,
“I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
“Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next-door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
35.My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
36.A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door, opens it, and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady,
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning, she hears a knock at the door. It’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman,
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night, when her husband gets home, she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,
“Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning, they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife,
“Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question. I want to see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there. He asks,
“Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes, I do.” says the lady.
The man replies,
“Good—would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
37.A little girl asked her mother how much it cost to get married.
Her mom said, “I don’t know, sweetheart, I’m still paying for it.”
38.A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
39.How are marriages like your lazy friends?
Most of them don’t work out.
40.John has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day, he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but John vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, John returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks,
“What’s wrong, honey?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, John, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, honey, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
41.My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
42.As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey. I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
“Do you have a dentist appointment, too?”
43.What do you call a woman who loves small penises?
Your wife, if you’re lucky.
44.A little boy says, “Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son,” says the dad.
“That happens everywhere.”
45.Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.”
Man to wife: “What did she say?”
Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
46.I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes—about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
48.Dan and his wife lived in Arizona, where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower, he complained to his wife, saying, “It’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes?”
“That I married you only for your money.”
48.My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
49.I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
50.A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
If you think that a nice love story is one that ends with a wedding, well, think again. Maybe a good love story is one that rolls with comedy and waves of laughter every day.
We all just want to live a happily married life, after all. So, make sure to keep note of your favorite husband wife jokes from our list above to keep your married life on the fun and exciting side!