Marriage should be built on trust, love, and connectedness. The couple must have shared lives. This means that all aspects of your being are being shared. It involves time, money and even material ownership.
You cannot determine the behaviors of your husband. He can be very generous at times and selfish at others. You cannot also predict the things that are going on in his mind. But what you can judge and prepare for are his actions toward you and your family.
If you think that he is becoming more and more selfish, you should tell him about it. If he loves you, he will come to his senses and turn his selfishness into generosity. Here are the ways on how to handle your marriage if your husband is selfish.
Check Yourself First.
Is he really being selfish, or are you the one becoming selfish? Think about it first. Are you demanding some of the things that you were not asking of him before? A new car, or a new house. How about asking him for a vacation in another country?
Sometimes, we assume that our husbands are becoming selfish, when, in fact, you are the one thinking more about yourself.
Assess yourself. Are you going overboard with your budget by wanting something that your finances cannot handle? Or are you asking him for more time with you, knowing fully that he is working overtime for work?
Do a rundown of yourself first before deducing that you have a selfish husband.
Be Sensitive to His Feelings.
You will only know who your husband is as you go along with your marriage. Some of his characters are hidden when you are still not married. But now that you are together, you will notice some negative characters that your husband has.
If you see that your husband is selfish, you must understand the reasons for his behavior. He may have been very poor when he was young, causing him to become selfish. He may have also been robbed or lost a pretty big amount of money, which makes him look out for himself more.
Knowing the cause of his selfishness can help you get rid of this negative attitude. Pinpoint the root incident that changed his outlook on himself and others so he can realize that he should be more giving to others.
Show Him the Benefits of Changing Who He is Right Now.
If you just demand that he must change, he will probably just treat it as a joke and stay the same. But if you present him with the possible benefits of being more of a giver rather than being selfish, he may become motivated to change.
What are the gains when he becomes more generous? Your relationship and bonding will be strengthened. He will surely be loved more. He will experience a different level of joy and excitement when he gives. He may not have all the things that he wants, but he will be more satisfied and content with what he has today.
Help Him Change.
Since it is in his nature to think of himself first before others, you must be very considerate of him. You should be very careful with your words. You must assist him with every change that he wants to make in his life.
Stop yourself from nagging about what he needs to do. Instead, you should be there with him at his own pace. No pressure and no sudden changes. You are his wife. You should be by his side in these seasons of his life.
Rejoice on Every Small Win that You Have.
Every step forward should be celebrated, no matter how small the improvement is. When he recognizes his mistakes in life, it is already a joy and should be treated as a win. When he starts to focus more on you and less on himself, it should be commended.
As he goes through his journey of change, you should give a pat on his back and thank him for what he is doing. Assure him that what he has done gives a positive impact on you and your relationship.
As a wife, you should be patient with your husband. You promised each other to stick to the relationship through the good times and the bad. As he tries to change his bad behaviors, you should keep faith that he will become a better man after this season of his life is through.
Make Some Changes to Yourself, too.
Another way to help your husband change his selfishness is by acknowledging that you have a fault yourself. The way to do this is by asking him about the negative things that he notices about you.
Once he identifies the behavior or the actions that he does not like or approve of, you must also promise to change for him. In this way, you are both doing something to make the relationship better.
He will also not feel so isolated from what he is doing. He can commend the changes that you do in your life as you also give him praise for the good things that he does for your marriage.
Give Time to Yourself.
It is never a healthy relationship when you only focus on your partner and not yourself. You should also take time to pamper yourself and take care of your own personal needs and wants. You can always deal with your selfish husband. But the first person that will care for you is yourself.
List the things that you need. Do you need new makeup, clothes or shoes? One or two garments or accessories is not too bad. Buying for yourself is different from splurging on things that you do not actually need.
Sometimes, all it takes to clear your mind is a healthy those of “me” time. Give yourself a break and do not forget your well-being as you deal with a selfish husband.
Do not Give up.
You should not give up on your marriage. Do not think that you are the only one having problems in their marriage. Each couple that you meet will have their own struggles and trials to face and solve. It just happens that your situation involves your husband being selfish.
Marriage is full of different versions of life. One season can be composed of experiences complete with happiness. Sometimes, a portion of your marriage will be packed with sorrow. And sometimes, the behaviors of the spouse can dictate the situation in marriage.
What makes a marriage strong is not the capability of each individual, but the combined skills, emotions, and being of the husband and wife. The strengths of both the man and the woman will reinforce the relationship. And each of their weaknesses will be identified and complemented by the other.
You have a selfish husband. Good. You now know the problem. Now it is time to solve it and make the marriage thrive despite these events in your life as a couple. Be strong. Keep strong and hold on as tightly as you can in your marriage.
Mike Zhang. Founder of FamilyLifeShare