Do you feel that your marriage needs saving? Are you the only one in the relationship that feels this way? In a couple, the first indication that a marriage is going downhill is often noticed by only one member. The other half may think that everything is still fine, may be in denial of the problem, or may be the one causing strife in the relationship.
How to save your marriage alone.
Know the Problem.
Even if your spouse is not ready to help yet, you can still recognize the reasons that are causing the marriage to falter. Since you are the one who initially recognized that your marriage needs saving, you must put in all efforts to find out what the problem is in the marriage.
Of course, every marriage is not perfect. The husband and the wife may do things that create a dent in the relationship. But most of the time, these are tolerable and can be fixed. If you feel that your marriage is beginning to suffer, you must identify the one persistent reason.
According to a survey conducted by YourTango.com, the main cause of divorce is communication problems. Statistics based on this survey computed that 65 percent of the participants said that marriage fails when the couples do not talk to each other. Forty-three percent said that inability to resolve conflict is the main reason.
You have to be particular when looking for the problem in the relationship. If you have concluded that there are communication problems, you should ask the next question. What is lacking in our communication as husband and wife? The survey also delves into common communication problems that occur in relationships.
70 percent of husbands said that a nagging or complaining wife is the cause, while 60 percent said that their wives do not appreciate them much.
On the contrary, more than 80 percent of the wives surveyed believed that lack of validation of their feelings is the main reason, while 56 percent told the interviewers that their husbands talk too much about themselves and do not listen to what they are saying.
Look at Yourself.
It is often easier to put the blame of a failing marriage on your spouse. He is not caring enough. He is not loving enough. But you have to understand that it takes two to build a relationship. The foundation of your marriage lies between you and your spouse. For your marriage to remain stable, you both must keep the relationship structure upright.
If something in the marriage is not working out, you must start with yourself. If you change a behavior, a mindset, or the norm in your relationship, it can affect the negativity in the marriage. Altering something that you do can cause a ripple effect toward your spouse and make him change himself as well.
How can you address this? First, you can check your past actions. What are the events that caused him to react differently? Do you constantly do something that makes him angry or sad? Evaluate yourself and see whether you are the one causing the marriage to fail.
Another way to evaluate your actions is by asking the people that you trust. Don’t go to just some officemate or random friend. You must rely on the closest people that you can find to open your eyes and tell you the truth without any hesitation.
The truth shall set you free. Once your friends or family have enlightened you about being the main cause of the problem of the marriage, you must immediately act on it. If you are failing to show your love for your spouse, you must completely transform your emotions into actions. If you lack communication with your husband, you must start opening up to your spouse without hesitation.
Change is difficult, especially if you are the one who needs to adjust. But you should remember that you are doing this because you love your spouse. Do everything you can to keep the relationship.
Stay Away from Bad Advice.
You can be surrounded by friends and family who just want to comfort you and take your side. But in saving your marriage, you don’t need those right now. The people that you should talk to are the ones who are not afraid to hurt your feelings by telling you the true nature of the problem in your marriage.
You should sort everything out. Keep the advice that you can actually use and filter the ones that will only degrade the maturity of your marriage.
Go to a Therapist Alone.
A therapist or counselor can be a great help to your marriage, even if you go alone. To figure things out in your marriage, a therapist can better understand your relationship if he can talk to both of you.
You should encourage your spouse to go to a therapist with you if you believe that you have a problem in your marriage. But if you cannot convince him or her to come, you can still go alone. According to marriage counselor Anne Carroll, most broken marriages are brought to new life by just one party. You can definitely depend on a marriage counselor to help you fix your marriage even if you are just one-half of the couple.
As a marriage counselor or therapist, he or she is equipped with the right knowledge, training, and experience to deal with such problems. He can present you with a number of solutions to fix your marriage. It is a great way to view the marriage from a third person standpoint. He will know which aspect of your relationship to change or repair.
According to this article from HuffPost, the signs that may tell you that you need to go to a marriage counselor include no communication, negative communication, withholding of affection, keeping secrets, contemplation of affair, financial infidelity, living separate lives, sex life problems, and other relationship issues.
Keep Your Emotions Controlled.
You should not let your emotions get a hold of you. Your heart is aching. Your body is giving up. Your mind is stressed. But you want to save your marriage.
What you can do is to contain your emotions so that you will not arrive at irrational decisions. Your goal is to save the marriage, not to end it. You should pause for a moment and think about your next steps. Take a breather from office or from household work, sit down, and clear your mind, your thoughts, and your heart.
After keeping your emotions at a stable level, you can then approach the problem in a gentle and careful manner. You are ready to go to the next phase, which is fixing your marriage.
You Should not Give up Altogether.
Even if your spouse is not yet ready to help you fix your marriage, you should still talk to him or her about it. Not helping does not mean that he does not want your relationship to work. He can have a variety of reasons for not doing anything, but he should know that there is something wrong.
Continue sharing the issues and concerns that you have with your spouse. You can always open up to him or her about the things that you want to mend in your relationship. Do not hesitate to clear these up with him or her so that you always inform him about it.
The key here is opening the conversation in a caring tone. The intonation of your words can alarm or scare your spouse. You have to tell him about the problem in a way that shows you are ready to work things out without hurting the relationship. You want to have a nurturing environment in your marriage. Even if he does not help, you must still assure him or her that you care more about mending the marriage than finger-pointing.
It is difficult enough to work out your marriage together, but it is even more daunting to approach it alone. You may not be able to control your circumstances, but you can definitely keep hold of your succeeding actions.
Keep faith that you can save your marriage even if your spouse is not ready yet. Soon enough, when your spouse comprehends that you are putting much effort into the restoration of your relationship, he or she will eventually help in fixing it.