Marriage should stand the test of time and remain strong in love. This is what I’ve told myself ever since my husband and I tied the knot.
The first few years of my marriage were great. Naturally, we saw many struggles, but we found out that we were stronger than any challenges thrown at us.
I admit, though, that it wasn’t a completely smooth journey to polish our relationship. After the long years of being bombarded with different doses of marital problems, we both grew tired of weathering the crisis.
There came days when I hated being with him, to some degree. It seemed as if I had lost the energy for our marriage. It was exhausting to think about it and work on it every single day.
And my husband likely felt the same.
So, yes, there was a phase in our marriage when we both seemed to have lost interest in each other. It felt like the spark was gone and the passion had left our door.
It’s one of the saddest situations I’ve ever been in.
I did miss him during that time, but our issues had piled up and just thinking about them drained the good energies out of me.
See, we argued a lot. The home had lost peace. Our simple conversations easily turned into arguments whenever we tried to talk about things that mattered.
But then I realized: maybe we need more. Our marriage needed something beyond fixing our differences.
We needed rekindling. Obviously, the fire was gone and we needed to revive it.
So we decided to renew our love with the help of these 4Ls of how to rekindle a marriage.
The 4Ls of How to Rekindle a Marriage
Listening is a crucial aspect of effective communication—and in a successful marriage, communication is always key.
Listening is more than just receiving information. It involves processing the other person’s thoughts and formulating responses to those thoughts.
When you listen to your spouse, you don’t just hear what you want to hear. You take in each chunk of thoughts coming out of his/her mouth.
Then, you try to understand the core of the matter. What is your spouse complaining about? What can you do to help him/her?
Listening when you’re upset, however, can be difficult. Our ears and minds tend to shut down when emotions are heightened in certain situations.
But if you want to fix things with your spouse, then you have to learn how to listen even when you’re very frustrated. Besides, nothing can be fixed if you focus on your negative emotions rather than talking it over with your husband/wife.
If this is hard for you, then try this test. Listen to your spouse and instead of responding with the first thought that pops in your head, ask “what else?”
Keep asking what else it is that upsets your partner until he/she has spilled them all out. As pointed out by a Forbes report, sometimes we just need to be listened to.
And when our thoughts are heard, we actually feel more connected. We feel united in solving our problems.
This is why listening is important in rekindling a marriage. Time has passed without couples realizing that they fail at communication simply because they failed to listen. Then, they lost the connection, the bond that makes them one.
This is no good for any marriage. Frustrations and anger atone another can always be overcome by listening to each other. The only way you’ll know how to fix a problem is if you know what the root of the matter is.
2.Let go of resentments.
Resentment is not all bad, you know. It’s a clear reminder that you are human and you’re living in an imperfect world with imperfect people. It’s normal to feel disappointed and want more. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
But resentments should have an expiration date. You must not let these negative feelings carve a hole in your marriage. That hole may start small, but it can lead to a large damage you might never be able to repair.
Needless to say, you have to let go of those resentments if you want to rekindle your marriage.
I get that something about your spouse or what he/she did upsets you. But, how long should you want to bear that in your heart?
Doesn’t it give you more freedom if you forgive your husband/wife for the mishaps? Isn’t it more fruitful for your marriage if you communicate and find fixes for your resentments rather than keeping them all in?
In case you missed it, resentments that are left unattended usually last. They can turn from simple irritations to deep lingering issues that are unhealthy—not just to your marriage, but to your overall health as well.
Too much resentment can apparently result in anxiety and depression too, which can lead right back to unhappiness and discontentment in your marriage.
And most probably, your resentment could be one of the reasons why your marriage is falling apart.
My dear, it’s time to let go of the baggage. Renew your relationship without anything that negates the possibility of you building a fresh and happy life with your spouse. Your heart will thank you for the favor.
3.Learn to compromise.
Marriage, like it or not, will always requires compromises.
According to University of Michigan social research professor Terri L. Orbuch, newlyweds are often surprised that even the littlest stuff matters in marriage. That is why couples need to communicate their concerns regularly, in a peaceful manner, and learn to give their fair share of compromises.
In marriage, two different people born from two different families are tied in a union that requires them to live together under the same roof. Imagine how troublesome the first few months can be if these two unique individuals have developed routines since their childhood that irritate or annoy the other.
You may think that simple matters don’t deserve your attention. But such small things can hugely impact your marriage if you don’t resolve them while they’re young. At some point, one of you will lash out because “you just can’t take it anymore.”
Yes, these are just petty issues, but there are bigger ones that may come your way. If they all pile up, you’ll find yourself in the danger zone.
So before you reach that part, compromise. Discover how easily it can bring peace into your relationship.
And if you’re already losing your marriage, then perhaps it’s time to learn how to compromise. Today’s never too late. Remember, you don’t give up on the people you love. One or two or three compromises shouldn’t hurt.
To rekindle the fire in your marriage, you must always choose to love.
That may sound obvious, but in marriage, loving is engaging in different levels of arguments every single day and still choosing to stay.
Love in marriage changes its dynamics and language.
During the dating period, flowers and chocolates make women feel loved. After marriage, a surprise dinner prepared by the husband is love.
For men, love is when a woman makes time to date him. Following marriage, love is when the wife allows the husband to spend time with his “boys.”
See, the way you see and accept love changes. But you won’t notice it unless you pay close attention to it.
So if one day you feel that your spouse’s love has gone, check again. Maybe it just changed.
Don’t jump into conclusions that your husband/wife doesn’t love you anymore. Also, don’t make it an excuse not to love him/her anymore.
When everything’s going crazy in your marriage, perhaps what you need is to stop and talk. Communicate your feelings and thoughts.
What has changed? What’s causing a rift between your lives?
Do your best to rekindle what you’ve lost. And remember, always choose love even if it’s the hardest card in your deck.
Marriage is beautiful, and something this precious is so hard to let go. Couples who almost lost it but found their way back should feel lucky to be able to keep it.
However, the process can really be tricky and slippery. Well, why should you bother thinking about how hard it can get when you know that what you’re fighting for is worth everything that matters in your life?
Life is not lived backwards. You don’t go back to your memories to check who’s at fault.
If you both realize your marriage needs rekindling, then rekindle it. Renew that spark, that zest, or that excitement without pointing fingers.
Just listen to each other. What went wrong?
Let go of resentments. Forgive and find a way to resolve your disappointments and frustrations.
Compromise what you can and when you can. What can you do to lighten your load?
And most of all, choose to love. It’s not easy to rekindle a marriage, but with love, everything is possible.