Advice for Anybody Who is Thinking of Having an Extramarital Affair

Having extramarital affairs is wrong. Everybody knows that. More often, the term is romanticized to justify your emotions. It can give you a feeling of thrill and excitement. But at the end of the day, it is cheating on your spouse. It is doing something that will hurt him or her.

No one deserves to be cheated on. Even if he or she has hurt you, it must not push you to have affairs with somebody else. You love your spouse – or, at least, you loved him or her. If you want to separate from your husband or wife, do it legally.

But I suppose these simple words will not stop you from cheating. An extramarital affair is too exciting and passionate to resist. In order for me to convince you not to do it, here are some wake-up call realities for you:

You Will Eventually Get Caught.

Perhaps you are now enjoying a double lifestyle – one is a family man or woman with kids while the other is the person with a hidden affair. It feels like you are a secret agent living a very lethal yet exhilarating life.

But your lies will catch up with you and your affair will eventually be found out. Your so-called “special someone” will be revealed, and your spouse will hate you for it.

Trust Will be Harder to Earn Back.

Do you remember your vows on your wedding day in front of your husband or wife and all your guests? Trust is something that you earn throughout your lifetime. But I am quite sure that the level of trust in your relationship is very high at the onset of your marriage.

A lot of things may cause it to decrease over time. Misuse of money, lies at work, not telling the truth – these can all make you lose trust in your spouse.

But one major cause of distrust in the marriage is infidelity. The foundations will come crumbling down if one of you has extramarital affairs.

Even if you ask for forgiveness and do not cheat ever again in your lifetime, the trust of your husband or wife will not be fully restored. The doubt and disbelief will always be there at the back of his or her mind. Every text you send and trip you go on will cause your spouse to question your loyalty to him or her.

Walking Out of an Extramarital Affair is More Difficult Than You Think.

Most people think of infidelity as just a way for married people to have sex with someone other than their spouses. But there are actually deeper reasons.

I think none of us wake up in the morning and say, “It’s a great morning! I think I will have an extramarital affair today.”

Infidelity only rises when something that you need from your husband or wife is not being satisfied. The popular 5 Love Languages mentioned by Gary Chapman always come to mind. These are words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and receiving gifts. If you do not know your primary love language yet, you may want to take the test.

If your preferred love language is not being met by your spouse, you may look for somebody else to fulfill your need. It may be an officemate, a friend, or even a stranger in the bar. The problem with satisfying your love language is that emotions may be included in the process.

The more emotions you invest in your extramarital affair, the harder it will be to get out. You may be deceived into loving this person the way you love your spouse.

You will receive emotional pain no matter which way your path travels. It will be ugly, difficult, and sometimes unbearable.

You Will be Affecting More Lives with Your Decision.

If you choose to cheat on your husband or wife, you are going to change the lives of a lot of people. This pertains to your spouse and your kids.

Your partner will surely be devastated because he was blindsided. His life will definitely be different from what he had before you had affairs. The love of your life may be lost because of your infidelity. He may go on with his life without you.

Infidelity will also affect your kids’ lives. If you and your spouse stayed together, the feelings between you will still be unlike before. Sometimes, it will be awkward for the kids. They will eventually figure things out. They may be bullied and ridiculed because of your actions.

If you choose to separate, a whole lot of changes will occur. Custody will be an issue. Visitation rights will also be discussed. Money will be a concern. The children will also ask questions about why these things are happening to them.

How can you remove your extramarital affair way of thinking?

Do not Accommodate Any Idea of Infidelity in Your Mind.

This is not right. It will never be right. If you try having extramarital affairs, it means that you are being selfish. It is not wrong to seek happiness. But you know in your heart that cheating is wrong.

You can give time to focus on yourself during the marriage. You do not lose your identity when married. Your spouse is supposed to be a complement to your already-complete life. You can still find happiness despite problems in the relationship. Fix your issues together and remind yourself why you married your husband or wife.

Get Away As Early As You Can.

If you are eyeing someone or just starting to develop feelings with a person in the office or somewhere else, you have to get away from him as fast as you can. Do not talk to him, text him, or even befriend him on social media. Have your defenses ready and eliminate any emotions as early as you can.

Be Honest with Your Spouse.

Cheating does not start when you are intimate with a person other than your husband or wife. It starts in the mind. If you think that you are having deep emotions for someone, you have to tell the truth to your spouse. He deserves it.

The earlier you tell him, the better. You have not had physical connections yet. And it will be easier to bear than a spouse who had sex with another person. Be completely honest with your emotions. Do not hold any information back. As long as you figure things out together, everything will be fine.

Related Question

Why do so many people consider cheating on their husbands or wives? An article published on listed the eight main reasons why people cheat in their current relationships.

One is a lack of appreciation and love. When you get married to someone, you expect him or her to love you with all of their hearts. That is the primary reason you made a vow to him or her in the first place. But if you are not receiving the kind of love that you are expecting, you may opt to look for someone who will satisfy your craving for love.

Another reason is lack of desire. At the start of your marriage, you were very attracted to your spouse. You just wanted to spend the days and nights with him or her. But as time goes by, most people forget the things that made them attracted to their spouses.

If you are neglected, you often look for someone else to talk to. Small conversations may lead to cheating in the future.

Situations may also cause you to cheat. A business trip or a vacation alone on a romantic beach where you meet a nice-looking man or woman may trick you into thinking that you deserve to date this person.

People who want to have variety in relationships also consider extramarital affairs an option. This is sometimes combined with low commitment.

If you have low self-esteem, you may have little respect for yourself. You measure your self-worth by the appreciation others, be it your spouse or not.

The last one is anger. If your husband or wife cheated on you, your anger may cause you to take revenge and have extramarital affairs of your own.

You may have one or more of the reasons above to convince yourself that you deserve to cheat on your husband or wife. But right now, at this very moment, I want to tell you that you will not find enough reasons to justify your need to have extramarital affairs.


Our current emotions cheat us into thinking that we deserve someone better than our spouses. A particular need is not being satisfied; that is why some feel justified to find someone who will give them the fulfillment that their spouses cannot provide.

But the truth is that no one will ever be a perfect match for you. Someone will always have a flaw in a relationship, no matter how great they seem to be.

Do not put “what if” questions in your mind. Instead, ask “what else” you can do to improve your marriage. It is the only right thing that you can do for yourself, for your spouse, and for your marriage.