We are all different in a specific kind of way. Each of us has diverse personalities, behaviors, characteristics, traits, manners, cultures and features. Our individualities can be innate at times since childhood, while some have resulted because of the environment that we have grown into.
An example of an individual is being emotionally available. What will you do if your husband has become emotionally unavailable? Will you still have joy in your marriage, knowing that your husband cannot give the emotional support that a wife needs every single day?
Take a look at our ways on how to deal with an emotionally unavailable husband in order to find true happiness.
Defining Emotional Unavailability
Sometimes, women can get drastic. When our husbands do not supply an agreeable emotion to us, we often say that our spouses are emotionally unavailable.
Do you know that men’s and women’s brains function differently? It may be because of the primitive times when men were supposed to hunt while the women were supposed to guard the family. Men tend to be focused on a particular task, like when stalking a prey. Nothing else matters. The target is the only thing that is important in the world.
In the meantime, the women need to look out for the family when the men are away. So, they need to have one eye on what they are currently doing while the other eye is checking how her children are doing.
This is supported by a study conducted by scientists. They have made 1,000 brain scans of men and women. They found out that the neural circuitry of men and women are different. In an average woman, both the left and right hemispheres are highly connected. In an average man, on the other hand, the “wires” are mostly connected to the right and back regions.
The study indicates that men are more into perception and coordinated actions, while women are into social skills, memory and intuitive thinking.
What can we derive from all of this? Women are hardwired to remember and to multitask. Men are generally built to do in one thing at a time.
When you are talking to your husband, make sure that he is not doing anything else. I have had numerous experiences with my husband,sharing stories with him, then finding out that he was not listening to a word that I was saying. At first, I thought that we were not connecting emotionally. I even cried about it with him at times.
Then he said that he cannot understand my stories because he was so focused on what he is doing. So, we devised a particular setup:whenever I want to share something with my husband, I will tell him to pause everything that he is doing for a moment, listen to what I say, and then, once I am finished, I will tell him to go back to what he was focused on.
Honestly, we are emotional beings, my dear women. We should realize that our husbands are of different characters than what we are. Sometimes, the only solution to this problem is communication. Talk to your husband, tell him what you feel and arrive at ways on how to solve the problem.
If he seems emotionally unavailable, which may in fact just be not being able to listen to you, then work something out with your husband so that your relationship will be better.
What then is emotional availability? Emotional availability is different for both men and women, mainly caused by the social environment and interpersonal connections. For men, it is more than just showing their emotions – it is becoming vulnerable to their current situations and feelings.
It is the openness of the husband to his wife that makes him emotionally available. If you observe that he becomes awkward or uncomfortable when it comes to conditions of the heart, then you have an emotionally unavailable husband.
What does an emotionally unavailable husband often do?
He retreats from conversations related to his emotions. He does not want to talk about his personal feelings on any circumstance that he is in. He would say that everything is fine just to end the talk or he would go to another topic to change the tone of the conversation.
You Need to Understand His State
To deal with an emotionally unavailable husband, you first need to understand him. He has become this way because of situations that arise in his life. Some of my friends have shared that their husbands have become emotionally unavailable because that was the setup of their parents when they were young.
Some orphans also have a hard time showing their emotions because of the non-presence of parents when they were growing up. Some were abused or mistreated, which made them the way they are now–with all the emotions covered up.
Understand him. Tell him that you are here for the long haul. It is only through care and understanding that all your husband’s emotional defenses and guards can fall.
Do not Pretend that Everything is Okay
Once you have told your husband that you understand his personality, you should not establish in yourself that everything is fine. Something is wrong, clearly. You cannot be intimate with a husband that is emotionally detached.
Do not accept this current fact as your fact for the rest of your life. Everyone needs emotional attention. Kids need it. Men need it. And, most definitely, women need it. This is where we can our sustenance and rejuvenation. The emotional stability of a marriage is the fuel that keeps it going, especially when times are tough.
You just have to give him time and space alone. You do not have to continually nag him about being emotionally unavailable. But you can raise the topic once you feel that he is starting to emotionally detach himself from a situation.
Instead of a General Response, Point Out Specific Things that He is Doing that Make Him Emotionally Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable men sometimes do not know that what they are doing is detaching themselves from you. Instead of reminding him generally that he, your husband, is becoming emotionally unavailable again, you can point particular moments and events where he has been emotionally detached.
Better yet, at the current moment when he is becoming emotionally unavailable, you need to point it out instantly. This will serve as an alarm for him that this particular thing that he is doing provides an emotionally unavailable environment.
This also gives your husband a clearer view of what he is doing wrong in the relationship. If he is open to fixing the marriage, then he will also be fully accepting of the things that you will say to him.
You Should Stop Arguing
The maturity of marriage is not based on the number of fights you have, but the way of dealing with each encounter that you have with your husband. The longer you are married to someone, the better the solutions should be.
You should stop arguing with one another for the incapability of the husband. He already knows it. You have said something about it. Instead of arguing, you should find ways to help him overcome it. A helpful wife is one who does not just point out the problem but also has a hand in solving it.
You Can Look for Positive Characteristics that Your Husband Has
You should appreciate your husband every chance that you can. He is the one you married, after all, and he is not all bad. You can find a lot of good traits that he has. You should focus on the things that he does right and provide help on the things that he is incapable of doing.
The best way to do this is to make a list of his positive points so that you will realize that he is still a great husband to you.
You can Write a Diary or Journal
To diffuse ill-feelings for your husband, a journal or diary can be a great outlet. Write all your emotions and your thoughts in the journal. It will keep you from storing all these emotions in your heart, just waiting to explode at a moment’s notice.
A Marital Therapist can Help
If you do not know what to do next, you can ask the help of a marriage therapist. They can guide you on the steps for dealing with an emotionally unavailable husband. They can also help you understand your husband better and give him a more loving heart.
You can also bring your husband in for couple’s counselling. The therapist can deduce your relationship better if he hears from both of you. Ask your husband nicely about going to marriage counsellors. Tell him that it is for the good of your marriage.
An emotionally unavailable husband can take a toll on his wife. In times when wives need an outlet to share our happiness, sadness or other emotions, we can be restricted in our own marriages if we are with an emotionally detached man.
Talk to him about it. Sincerely give him your thoughts about his situation. Ask him if you both can figure something out to restore your connection. If you both love each other, you will start fixing your relationship and your marriage.