Although my marriage has been nothing but beautiful for the past couple of years, I would be lying if I said that my husband and I didn’t go through a few unpleasant patches. Just like other husbands and wives, we did walk through a rough and troubled road a few years back.
And, I admit, the thought of divorce wasn’t too easy to dismiss during those difficult times. The idea of leaving every misery and heartache seemed to be the comfortable and logical choice compared to staying and trying to fix all of our differences.
But I must say I am a lucky one. When the idea of divorce kept appearing in my head, my heart refused to agree that it was the solution to my problems. So here I am, living a happy and contented marriage with my Prince Charming after ironing out our wrinkled relationship.
Well, now that my husband and I were able to overcome our marital conflicts, I realized that divorce is not always the answer to unhappy marriages, which is why I really would not recommend couples to resort to divorce when things are difficult. So if you think that divorce is what will set your heart and mind free, you might want to consider these 5 divorce solutions that can save your marriage.
5 Divorce Solutions That Can Save Your Marriage
1.Maintain intimacy and connection.
Relationship expert Dr. Jane Greer, in a report by YourTango, emphasized the importance of intimacy and connection to divorce-proof your marriage. I couldn’t agree more with this.
When marriage is fronted with daily grievances and resentments between spouses, it wouldn’t take long before a collision fires up. Or worse, the couple might just decide to disengage and leave the ship.
However, is it really necessary to consider divorce when intimacy and connection could build a bridge back to a happy and satisfying marriage?
During the difficult moments of my marriage, I felt how our intimacy went crumbling down. We skipped small talks in the morning. I would rather read my favorite book every night than talk to my husband before bed. I didn’t want to speak to him anymore.
I knew we were losing our connection and I was just there, watching our marriage run down a slippery slope. I just became tired of our grumbles. I needed space to get some peace of mind and figure out how to solve our marital conflicts.
But it was during those times when I started missing my husband. It felt like we were strangers. So, “This can’t go on,” I told myself.
Then, we both realized that marriage demands emotional and physical intimacy. So we had to reconnect, talk more, date more and have sex more.
It wasn’t a flawless process, though. There were nights when we still argued and slept mad at each other. But at least it got better.
2.Effective communication is key.
To effectively communicate with your spouse, you must understand that communication is a two-way process. You speak and you listen.
The process of communication actually involves receiving information from a sender, analyzing or decoding messages and giving out feedback. But when conversations turn into heated arguments, it is difficult to exercise this.
Have you found yourself interrupting your husband because you just think that what he’s saying is irrelevant? Do you even let him finish his statements when you’re in an argument?
The problem with couples who are exasperated about their marriage is that they open their mouths too much and they block their sense of hearing. Conversations become one-way alleys.
One keeps questioning while the other keeps finding the answers. The wife nags, the husband listens. And,some days, it’s the other way around.
If you can relate to this communication problem, you might want to take the suggestion of life coach Deb Dutilh: when talking to your spouse, “Roll your tongue around your mouth seven times before you speak.” This exercise allows you to digest all the information you heard and gives you enough time to think of the best response.
Interesting, isn’t it? Why don’t you try it today?
3.Set financial expectations and stick to your budget.
Money problems second infidelity as the leading cause of divorce according to a recent . In this day and age when the cost of living increases drastically every year, It is not surprising to see couples argue over finances, budgets and expectations.
No newly married couples are spared from the difficulties that accompany budgeting. It is actually expected of them to have some period of adjusting before they finally agree on a budgeting system that works for them.
But sometimes, this adjustment phase gets pretty uncontrolled. Most of the time, it is during this stage when couples start fighting about money.
“You used the credit card again?” or, “I thought we agreed to save up and ditch the soda!”
Do these interrogating questions and comments sound familiar?
To stop money problems before they worsen, couples must understand each other’s spending habits. Some questions to ask are:
- “Where do you put the largest portion of your income?”
- “Do you follow a specific budget for your needs and wants?”
Then, financial expectations must be set. You can ask:
- “How much do we need to set aside for our savings?”
- “Do we totally ditch our ‘wants’ to save up?”
From there, the couple will be able to formulate a budget that works for both of them. But, most importantly, they have to stick to the budget they have set.
By doing this, finances will be less of a problem for married couples. Additionally, they can save up for their future without the stress and pressure of financial arguments.
4.Learn to forgive.
It isn’t always easy to grant forgiveness. But it is always the right thing to do.
Forgiveness is probably the best form of self-love. When you pardon someone who has wronged you, you free yourself from ill feelings of vengeance or hate.
Therefore, if you choose to forgive, it means you choose to be free from those negativities. You do it for yourself and not for your offender.
So never think for a second that it’s not okay to forgive a spouse who has hurt you. Don’t think that if you forgive him, he can just get away from his mistakes.
Instead, think of it as a gift that you give to yourself. Bitterness and resentment are too much of a burden to carry on both your shoulders everyday. Free yourself from these loads by learning to forgive.
But it’s also of great importance that you forgive your own self for your weaknesses. Be kind to yourself and accept that you are not perfect. You make mistakes and you learn from them.
Once you’ve done this, it’s time for you to face your marital struggles. According to a Psychology Today report, it is recommended for couples to write a list of the moments that spark anger and bitterness.
Reflect on them and apologize as needed. Then, figure out a few methods to avoid committing the same errors again.
Remember, if you want to move your marriage away from divorce, you had better learn forgiveness in the early stage of your relationship. You will need more of it in the coming years.
5.Go into marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling is not just vital for couples who are on the verge of throwing in the towel but also for spouses who need to address important marital concerns. I strongly recommend couples to go into counseling as soon as they feel like something’s not right in their relationship.
Some men and women who have undergone counseling before filing their divorce papers are no fans of the process. They believe the system doesn’t work because, if it had, then they would have been living a harmonious marriage with their spouse right now.
However, what we forget to factor in is the time they did the counseling for. Did they consult a marriage expert before their difficulties piled up? Or did they just turn into marriage counseling when their problems had become too ingrained and ineradicable?
Deep-seated and long-standing issues in a marriage are almost impossible to break. I doubt marriage experts are powerful enough to mediate between spouses who deeply hate each other. It’s really a tough task to facilitate healthy and effective communication between these spouses.
But who knows? Maybe counselors can still help them, right?
However, my point is that the effectiveness and success rate of marriage counseling may increase if married couples do it before their problems collide and become complicated, because counseling does work and it can help spouses who are determined find repair to their marriage.
As a matter of fact, in a survey done by American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, there’s an over 97 percent of participants who believed that they did receive the helpful they needed. And among them, 93 percent reported that they learned effective tools that are useful for how they deal with their marital problems.
Couldn’t these be enough reasons to believe that marriage counseling is beneficial to married couples?
Temporary happiness and freedom from heartbreak can be found when couples finally submit their divorce papers. However, this is not a permanent fix to the problems and pains.
Divorce incurs problems that weren’t even there in the first place – I’m talking about issues with legal fees, child custody and distribution of property to name a few.
Therefore, unhappily married couples must always seek help when or before they feel like everything’s getting out of control. After all, marriage is a priceless treasure that’s so worth the time and effort.