Marriage takes a lot of figuring out. You can either do it during your married life, or you can ask particular sets of questions to know how your future partner will handle certain situations. You may be afraid to ask him or her for various reasons. But the truth is that you have to deal with this as early as possible.
Here are the top 13 important questions to ask yourselves in order to determine your thinking process and your honest approach to things. Evaluate both your answers and learn from them before it is too late:
What are the Things that One can Do that May Cause the Other to Leave?
This question can be very difficult to ask, especially if you are deeply in love with each other. One may say that nothing will ever make the other leave. But in truth, there is always something that will cause the other to get out of a marriage.
What are the possible answers to this question? Infidelity and extramarital affairs can cause you to leave your spouse. Constant neglect can also be a reason. It will depend on your own personal needs that must be met. We can talk about the basic needs that a human should satisfy: food, water, air, clothing, shelter and other amenities in life. It can also be about a lack of social, safety, esteem, or self-actualization needs.
How do you Handle Stress?
Stress is part of every person’s life, both outside of marriage and inside marriage. Your partner probably has a lot of experience in stress—in his home, in his work and his personal life. Stress has a weird way of delineating people and their characters.
Some people get overly angry when stressed in particular situations. Some even force their anger on other people. This can be very scary, since you are the first person that your spouse will come in contact with the moment he or she becomes angry.
Others will try to keep their stress inside. They will not speak about it. They will not show any kind of emotion toward it. This can be good at first, since you are not affected by his stress. But in the long run, this can be devastating to the marriage. He can just be a walking time bomb waiting to explode.
Know all about how your partner handles stress and consider whether you can see yourself being with a person who manages his stress in a particular manner.
How do you Behave when Living Under the Same Roof with Other Oeople?
Being married means living under the same roof. If you and your partner have not lived in the same apartment or house yet, you can ask him or her this question.
Some people are very particular when it comes to personal belongings. They do not want anyone to touch their things. They want to keep everything as it was when they left it. This can be troublesome if you are living together. You will need to share space, rooms, and even furniture and appliances.
Other people require a level of privacy in their lives. Some will want to have a room that is just for them to use. Others will want a personal space for their hobbies and entertainment. Be sure to talk about how his or her behavior in the house will affect both of you when you start living together.
Do You Want to Have Kids in the Future?
This can be a deal breaker for some. Some people just do not want to have kids, while others cannot see their married life without kids. You should be clear-cut with this question. You both should be very honest when it comes to asking this of your partner.
You should talk about it and set your future plans with regard to having kids. If you can work things out early, then you will have a better relationship in the future.
How do you Handle Arguments, Conflicts, and Misunderstandings?
Married life is not without arguments. Married couples who say that they have not fought once are either joking or plainly lying.
You should ask your future spouse how he is when it comes to arguments and conflicts. Does he walk out of the room every time someone does not agree with what he is saying? Does he get into a shouting match when there are misunderstandings? Or is he the silent type who just accepts what the other says without any retaliation or response?
All of these are bad examples of handling quarrels. You cannot fix problems by leaving, by shouting or by not reacting. You should keep your emotions at a rational level and keep the volume of your voice to a minimum. If your partner does any of these things, you should find a way to sort things out with him so that you can focus on the problem and not on the hate.
How is your Relationship with Your Family?
How is your partner’s relationship with his parents and his siblings? Of course, you will not leave him even if things are not good with his family. But you can surely expect that somehow, it will affect how he treats you and your future kids.
The parents’ relationship is also important. If he does not have a model parent to look up to, then he will not have any idea of how marriages should work. Handling relationships and nurturing love maybe foreign to him.
How are you with Handling Finances?
According to a survey conducted by SunTrust Bank, finances are the top cause of friction in relationships. If you are getting married, will finances be your main cause of concern? Who will handle the management of money? Is one of you good at making and saving money?
Money and its proper handling are important in marriage. As early as possible, you should figure each other out when it comes to finances. It is not only practical, but also necessary in order to function well in marriage.
What is your Definition of “Alone” Time?
Is alone time all about your partner spending a whole day without you? Is it about taking up personal space in your house? Or is it about giving your future spouse some time to spend with his friends? Whatever his definition of alone time is, you should respect it at whatever cost. This is, of course, within the boundaries of not hurting your marriage.
Is Religion Going to be an Obstacle in the Marriage?
Another deal breaker for some is their affiliated religion. Some people are able to compromise on religious beliefs. Others would never consider changing their faith for another person. If you are the one who cannot and will not change religions for your partner, it is better to reassess your future and see if your relationship will lead to marriage.
Associated with religion is culture. Some religions are closely related to different cultures among families. Are you both willing to compromise for your own personal faith?
Is There Stuff that You are not Willing to Give up after We Get Married?
Some addictions cam hurt marriages. Smoking can be difficult to stop. Taking drugs is definitely a no-no. Pornography, flirting and other sexual activities can also be questioned. These obvious things can definitely be raised to your future spouse.
But what about personal interests?Hobbies are one. Your special someone may have a collection of some sort, like toys, magazines, comics, sports cars, or others. Is he willing to give this up or manage it if it starts to interfere with your marriage?
Have You ever Cheated on Someone or Been Cheated on in a Relationship?
This can be an awkward question to ask, especially if you have not talked about your past relationships before. But asking this can also define who he is as a person. Why did he cheat? Why was he cheated on? Find out the underlying reasons why he is capable of cheating and also why the other party cheated on him.
Are You Willing to Openly Discuss Our Sexual Needs?
Sex is important in marriage. Both men and women need the pleasures of sex. You should be open about discussing your personal and sexual needs. We are stimulated by specific things. We are also turned off by others. Are you both willing to sit and talk about how you can improve your sex life as a couple?
Do You Have Any Medical History that You Have not Told me about?
Medical history is also important—not as a way to judge the person, but to care for him. You are also being vulnerable with each other about what your situations in the future may be. You should sincerely think this question through and answer honestly so that your partner is well aware of your condition.
Marriage is about two people deciding to be together for the rest of their lives. Two personalities, two characters, and two different behavioral styles. But what makes marriage fascinating is the fact that you love each other so much that you both are willing to spend your lives together despite all the complications.
Marriage is great as long as you have set your mind on belonging with your future spouse, keeping communications open, and setting personal differences aside to take care of your relationship.
Mike Zhang. Founder of FamilyLifeShare