Finding out that you have an unfaithful spouse can be one of the most difficult and heart-breaking episodes of one’s life. The man or woman that you love is cheating your relationship by having extramarital affairs. This can be a devastating event, but you need to gather your thoughts, contain your emotions and see the bigger portrait of your marriage.
Whether you find out about your unfaithful spouse through a friend or through your own eyes, it is difficult to imagine a future that includes your cheating husband or wife. The image of him or her with their boyfriend or girlfriend gets stuck in our head. Even if he or she gets back into your house and tries to adapt to the house and thinks that nothing was ever done wrong, you still can’t seem to forgive him or her.
Acceptance is key
Do not deny the fact that the affair happened. Your spouse cheated with another man or woman. Understanding this information as early as possible will help with your growth and healing in the relationship. Yes, your spouse cheated. Now what?
Get away or stay in your marriage
This really depends on the weight of your spouses’ unfaithfulness. According to the book,Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Chalmers, they often recommend to the cheated spouse to keep the marriage and the relationship.
More often than not, it is the decision of the cheated husband or wife whether to stay or leave the relationship. And it is also their pronouncement on when to start healing and mending the broken marriage.
Once you have calmed yourself down and examined all of the aspects of your marriage and the situation that you are in, it is time to ask your unfaithful spouse these questions so that you can move on to the next season of your lives.
10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse to Rebuild Your Trust
1.Who is the one you cheated our marriage with?
This is to create a foundation and assessment of the course of their relationship. You can trace the events prior to the event to better understand what went wrong with your marriage. Ask the name of the person and his or her background. Know every detail about him or her. This is also to help your spouse avoid the person as much as possible.
If the one they cheated with is outside work – say, at the organization that your spouse volunteers in – it will be easier to avoid the person. But if he or she is from work, it will take a lot more effort to resist talking and being with him or her. Find ways to keep the interactions at a minimum.
2.How long has this been going on?
You should ask this question to your unfaithful spouse to have a better grasp of the length of time of their relationship. You can determine,using this question, the type of love and connection that they have built throughout this period.
Generally, the longer an affair lasts, the more difficult it is to break off. This is because they have been so accustomed to the relationship that they consider it part of the norm. Shorter affairs tend to be easier to fix because they are still in the early stages of the relationship.
3.Do you still love him or her?
According to Dr. Harley, people who are in an affair are usually in blinded by the imagined world they are currently living in. All your spouse sees is the good characteristics of the other person. We all have love banks that are reserved only for our spouse. If your husband or wife does not deposit into your love bank, other people may attempt to fill the bank with their own deposits.
If they do not guard themselves, they can be falling in love with a person other than you, their spouse. Dr. Harley said that the only way to kill the love between the unfaithful spouse and their lover is to let it die a natural death. They will soon find out that they are not perfect people and will eventually lack other attributes that they need.
4.Are you still in contact with him or her?
You need to know whether the relationship between your spouse and their lover has already ended. You should determine if they still meet with the person and if they still talk to each other on the phone.
Some unfaithful spouses, people who do not lie prior to this event, will try to cover up their dishonesty and say that they are not cheating on you anymore. Be vigilant for these statements. You should help your spouse recover in your relationship by preventing any communication or physical interaction between them.
5.What did I do wrong?
An old quote states that an angry person is the one who has the sharpest of words that can hurt someone’s heart. But if you are on the other end of the fury, keep your ears open because the words that you will hear will be completely true.
Be gentle when you ask this question. You should not let your emotions control you. Don’t speak. Listen to what he or she is saying. His or her reasons should not have caused him or her to cheat. But the sequence of events already happened. What you can do now is try to understand what you may be lacking in your relationship as a husband or wife.
6.Do you still love me?
This can be one of the most difficult questions to answer. If he or she says yes, you can either think that your spouse is lying to your face. Alternatively,you might think that you may still be competing with the love that your spouse has for his or her lover.
If he or she says no, you can still accept the answer positively. This is true if you ask this question during the first weeks that your spouse has been exposed as cheating. The emotions that he or she has for his or her lover are still there. It is better to ask this question months after the event, in order to have a more concrete answer from your spouse.
7.What are your plans right now?
You should hear their plans to evaluate their path to reconciliation. You can ask him or her to write a detailed list of what he or she intends to do to build your relationship. You can also assess his or her approach to your marriage and your children. See whether his or her plans include your involvement in fixing the relationship.
8.How do you see our marriage 5 years from now?
See if you can get a glimpse of what your unfaithful spouse sees your marriage as 5 years from now. Some spouses might indicate a happy marriage with everything back to normal. You should prefer more specific answers. You should also ask additional questions about your children, about his or her lover, about his or her job, about you and other aspects of your marriage.
9.Are you open to counseling?
Sometimes, because of the rollercoaster of emotions that happened, you cannot think straight whenever you are eye-to-eye with your spouse. The best thing to go about this is by including a third person to moderate the conversations. A counselor can greatly help and open up the communication. They can also help in the restoration of your marriage through regular meetings and talks.
10.Are you willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage?
If you have decided to try and mend your marriage, you should also ask this question of your spouse. Is he or she willing to do whatever it takes for the reconciliation of your marriage? Will he or she be open to doing anything as long as it will bring back the love and care that was lost when he or she became unfaithful? If your spouse gives his or her commitment to you, you can slowly build your trust in your marriage once again.
Being unfaithful is something that your spouse does not plan to do. But circumstances and personal needs have persuaded their mind and emotions to go ahead with cheating. Marriage is a union of two people,and you should both take responsibility for what happened.
The unfaithful spouse did something wrong. But you should also assess the things you did or did not do that hurt your relationship. Be committed to one another. Start over with your marriage and keep your faith with one another.